What Should I Do if My Wife Can’t Stop Drinking?

Mild, moderate, and severe alcohol use disorder are the official terms used to describe what used to be called alcohol abuse and alcoholism. Several signs indicate a person may have an alcohol use disorder, with just two or three necessary for a diagnosis of a mild condition:

• She often has a hard time limiting the amount she drinks.
• Your wife tries to cut back on alcohol but fails most of the time.
• She spends a lot of time drinking or hungover.
• She experiences cravings when not drinking.
• Your wife is struggling to keep up at work or with other responsibilities because of drinking.
• She continues to drink in spite of these and other problems, such as in your relationship.
• She has given up some activities in order to drink more.
• Her behaviors when drinking have become risky or unsafe.
• She has a tolerance and needs to drink more to get the same effect.
• Your wife goes through withdrawal symptoms when not drinking.

If your wife exhibits two or three of these symptoms regularly, and they cause distress or impairment, she may have a mild use disorder. Four to five signs indicate a moderate disorder, and six or more of the above symptoms may be classified as severe alcohol use disorder.

Once you better understand the diagnosis, you are ready to open up to your wife about her drinking, why it worries you, how it impacts you, and about making positive changes. Having this talk isn’t easy, but nothing will change until you do it. Here’s how to do it right:

• Only talk to your wife about drinking when she is sober and when you both have time and privacy.
• Practice first. Outline what you want to say because at the moment it can be easy to get overcome by emotions and forget something.
• Avoid being accusatory or judgmental. Instead, focus on your concerns for her. Let her know you love her, don’t blame her, and want her to be healthy.
• Talk about you too. Describe how her drinking impacts you and your relationship with each other, but do it with compassion.
• Finally, come prepared with some solutions. Offer to help her moderate her drinking, or if you feel it’s necessary, give her some options for a treatment plan and assure her you will support her on this journey.

Helping your wife starts with opening up and being honest with her about the behaviors that trouble you. Now you have to take action. If she recognizes that she could drink less or should not drink at all, you can help her make those changes. If these efforts fail, convince her to get professional treatment for alcohol use disorder.

1. Record your drinking. If your wife has a hard time seeing the problem in her behaviors, keep a record together. List what and how much you drink day by day and describe the results of that drinking in a journal. Seeing the actual amounts in writing can be eye-opening. It’s also powerful and motivating to connect drinking with its negative consequences, such as having a headache or failing to get tasks done the next day.
2. Set a goal and achieve it together. The two of you are partners, which means you have to get through difficult times together and sometimes make sacrifices. Your wife may find it easier to change drinking habits if you do it with her. Set goals together, like avoiding drinking for two weeks or limiting drinks to one night per week, and then support each other in achieving them.
3. Remove alcohol from the house. To limit alcohol intake, make it more difficult to access. Yes, you can always go out, but that takes more work. If it’s easier to stay in and have a nice dinner or a cup of tea, she is more likely to do that. If the bottle of wine is open and in the refrigerator, it’s too easy to pour a glass.
4. Avoid situations with heavy drinking. A social gathering among friends who drink moderately may not be a problem. In fact, it could help her follow an example of how to drink responsibly. However, going to bars or parties, or being around people you know will drink too much, is a bad idea. These situations act like triggers and normalize excessive drinking, making it easier for your wife to find an excuse to drink, too.
5. Avoid or better manage triggers. Being around other drinkers can be a major trigger for drinking, but it’s likely not the only factor. Talk about what situations or feelings make her want to reach for a drink. Stress, for example, can be a big trigger. Together, you can minimize stress in your life and learn coping mechanisms for it that are much healthier than drinking.
6. Replace drinking with other activities. Speaking of triggers, sometimes it’s little more than boredom or habit that leads to drinking. Change the habits in your household and eliminate boredom by keeping busy with other activities. Go out and do something fun without alcohol, try a new sport or type of exercise, go for regular evening walks, or just play games or watch a movie.