Living With a Functional Alcoholic: Warning Signs, and How to Help

A person who struggles with alcohol abuse disorder isn’t always easy to understand. Their personal appearance may be pristine. Their career may be intact, and, in fact, may be highly successful. To the outside world, these individuals may appear perfectly healthy on the surface. However, deeper warning signs are often revealed at home to those who are closest to them. It’s important to notice these red flags. As the loved one of a functional alcoholic, you may be their first lifeline for help.

Important warning signs of functional alcoholism to keep in mind:

• Excessive drinking. The numbers vary, but heavy drinking is considered by one study to be 2-5 drinks per day for totals around 14-21 drinks per week. Regardless of body mass or gender, this amount of alcohol is considered excessive.
• Denial. Does your loved one “only drink top shelf” or “expensive wine”? These individuals justify their drinking habit by claiming they’re not suffering any adverse effects, or that their heavy-drinking friends are “worse” than they are. They might get angry when confronted about their habit, deny drinking at all, and even hide alcohol from family members.
• Drinking alone. One clear sign of alcoholism is when individuals drink alone or at odd times of day (for instance, in the morning). They may be the first to suggest a happy hour or be the person who always orders the first round, even when it might not be appropriate. Pre-drinking before social gatherings is also a common behavior.
• Inability to relax without alcohol. They may make a beeline for the liquor cabinet as soon as they return home each evening, claiming they “need to relax” and require a drink to do so. In this way, alcohol use is a strategic behavior for your loved one.
• Joking attitude about alcohol abuse. Your loved one may make jokes about their drinking problem, laugh about how much they drink, or use “alcoholic” as a joking term to refer to themselves or others.
• Breaking promises and limits. Has your loved one insisted that they intend to cut back, but never seems to follow through? They may be completely powerless to stop drinking or to reduce their intake.

If you fear that your loved one may be a functional alcoholic, it’s important to understand the facts surrounding this particularly complex addiction. Your loved one is either oblivious or in denial of the mental, physical, and emotional consequences of their habit. Proper education can, therefore, be a catalyst in your family to finally get them the help they need.

Even though functional alcoholics may be able to hold everything together on the outside, this facade merely masks their true state. Alcohol abuse, especially when prolonged, inevitably hurts the mind and the body. The first major consequence of leading this “double life” is profound exhaustion. It’s draining to struggle in silence, to deny your experience to the rest of the world, and to maintain peak performance in all areas of public life. The stress of compartmentalization alone is enough to weaken a person’s resolve and damage their decision-making skills.

You may start to notice your loved one struggling with interpersonal relationships. The emotionally charged denial they present to the world can easily create rifts between family members, and it’s unfortunately common for the risk of domestic violence, child abuse, and neglect to skyrocket in the wake of alcohol addiction. For the sake of your loved one and the health of your family, it’s important to address their behavior in a helpful way even when you may be tempted to just “let them be” or to “not rock the boat.”

Even if your loved one doesn’t appear to be suffering mental or emotional side effects of their drinking, more urgent are the health risks associated with alcohol addiction. These risks often go unseen and unchecked. The known side effects of excessive alcohol abuse include, but are not limited to:

• Irreversible liver damage
• Dementia
• Severe digestive system inflammation
• Nutritional/vitamin deficiency
• Increased risk of various cancers

These consequences are not merely possible—they are inevitable. Heavy drinking over time wreaks havoc on the body and mind, and no person is immune. But because these effects are slow to emerge over time, it may take a disaster to get a functional alcoholic to decide to change their behavior. If you notice warning signs in your loved one, you can help them seek treatment before such a crisis occurs.

In the face of such life-altering effects, you may be tempted to approach your loved one immediately. However, your first task is to examine your own behavior for ways that you may be encouraging or enabling your loved one’s alcohol addiction. It’s paramount that they take responsibility for unacceptable behavior, and you can help by not sharing in that responsibility. Discover where you’re excusing or justifying your loved one’s addiction, and where you may be allowing or encouraging them to continue to drink. You may need to temporarily alter some of your own behavior in order to make recovery that much more attainable for your loved one.

Quick tips on how to help a functioning alcoholic:

1. Address your own behavior and attitudes about alcohol.
2. Stop making excuses for your loved one’s behavior.
3. Educate yourself on the short and long term treatment options that are available.
4. Catch your loved one when they are trying to quit drinking on their own.
5. Avoid confrontation, and approach your loved one with compassion.
6. Have a conversation when your loved one is sober and in a receptive mood.

Approaching a functional alcoholic can be nerve-wracking for both parties. That’s why it’s best to have a plan in place for how you intend the conversation to progress, and how you want your loved one to perceive your intentions. You don’t want them to feel attacked or cornered. Instead, it’s best to tread lightly and to be prepared to make multiple attempts to help. Don’t give up! The ultimate goal is to convince your loved one that you are on the same team, and that you love and value them throughout the recovery process.