I Became an Empty Nest Alcoholic My Journey Through Recovery

As a divorced mother with growing children, I did worry about what life would be like when they left for college and then had their own homes. My life had been largely for my kids. I did have other things, like my job, friends and a running group, but nothing compared to having my kids around me.

When my youngest left, the house just felt quiet. I felt empty and lost. I thought I did everything right to cope with this transition: spent time with friends, kept exercising regularly, and even signed up for more races to do with running buddies. I got involved with some extra projects at work to take up more of my time, too.

But I still couldn’t shake the feeling of loss. I was used to noise and activity in the house. I almost felt like I was grieving; it felt a little bit like when I went through my divorce. I faced the loss of something that, although necessary, was painful.=

I now know, thanks to treatment and therapy, that empty nest syndrome is a real phenomenon. It’s not a clinical diagnosis, but some parents feel much worse than others and cope poorly when the children leave the home. Had I known about this at the time, I might have reached out for help through therapy sessions or counseling, but instead I comforted myself with a glass or two of wine every night.

At first, drinking just seemed like an innocent way to unwind after work. It was a way to unwind and a reward for a job well done raising my kids and seeing them all into college. I reasoned that now that this big responsibility was done, I could enjoy a nightly glass of wine. The problem was that my real motivation was to numb the pain I felt at facing an empty nest.

There are many signs of having developed an alcohol use disorder: being unable to control drinking, trying to drink less but failing, craving alcohol, drinking in unsafe situations, developing a tolerance, and more. But one of the first things I realized that constituted a problem was my secret drinking.

My daughter came home one weekend to spend Saturday with me, and before she got there I hid my empty wine bottles under boxes in the recycling bin. Another week, I went out with friends for dinner. I had just one glass of wine with them, but when I got home I zoned out in front of the TV with a whole bottle. To other people it seemed like nothing had changed, but I drank a lot in secret.

A couple of things then happened to push me to seek help and realize I was an empty nest alcoholic. One week, I spent every morning at work trying to get things done with a hangover. That Friday night, I started drinking myself to sleep when a friend stopped by for a surprise visit. Being drunk but thinking I could hide it, I answered the door.

I’m thankful every day that it wasn’t one of my kids who saw me that way. My friend knew right away that something wasn’t right. She admitted she had seen some signs at work that troubled her and decided to come over and check on me. Seeing my empty wine and vodka bottles and my drunken state on a Friday night, alone at home, through her eyes was powerful. I knew I needed help.

The hardest part was telling my kids, but they love me and supported my decision to go to rehab. My friend helped me find a great facility to go to for at least a month, with the option to extend if necessary, and I got a health leave from work.

In retrospect, I am not surprised at all. My intake team in rehab did a thorough mental health evaluation, which at first I thought was unnecessary. I knew I had a drinking problem and was willing to get help, but I wasn’t crazy. Turns out I had depression too.

Now I know how closely related depression is to substance use. With a depression diagnosis, so many of my poor choices make more sense. Thinking back on it now, I realize that I have always had some issues with depression, but never enough to stop me from functioning normally. But when my kids left home, it triggered the most severe episode I had ever had.

My treatment plan in rehab included therapy and medical care for depression as well as for substance use disorder. My therapist helped me realize how closely intertwined the drinking and depression were. Without getting this diagnosis, I would probably still be struggling and likely would have gone back to drinking as a way to cope. Addressing both issues in rehab was so important to my recovery.