The Common Thread Between Food Addiction and Codependency

Since its introduction within the substance addiction community in the 1980s, “codependency” has transformed from a specific clinical term to a popular description of virtually any form of relationship in which one person appears to be dependent on another. When a word is used to characterize everything from an annoying girlfriend in a Cosmo quiz to the destructive dynamic that fuels heroin addiction to your relationship with your cat, it is easy to get confused about what exactlycodependency means. Codependency isn’t simply being clingy or preferring to spend time with someone more than being alone, it’s a “psychosocial condition that is manifested through a dysfunctional pattern of relating to others.” As Span and Fischer write, “This pattern is characterized by: extreme focus outside of self, a lack of open expression of feelings, and attempts to drive a sense of purpose through relationships.”

This pattern is typically learned at a young age as a response to early childhood neglect, abuse, or other family dysfunction and includes an extreme dependency on the approval and acceptance of others while simultaneously ignoring or repressing their own needs in favor of attending to the needs of others. In a 2012 study, Denise Bynum and others explain:

Those suffering with codependency have boundary and control issues, low self-worth as well as physical, emotional, and psychological consequences. Individuals suffering with codependency are susceptible to stress-related medical problems as well as psychological problems.

This description of codependency shares much in common with some of the most prevalent shared experiences of those suffering from food addiction. In fact, Bynum points out, “Anxiety, depression, anger, and compulsivity are the psychological problems most frequently noted in the literature associated with overeating and codependency.” As such, many experts believe that food addiction and codependency are connected via common roots and, indeed, a number of studies suggest that the intensity of symptoms in one is proportional to the intensity of symptoms in the other.

Darlene Lancer, a marriage and family therapist specializing in addiction and codependency, believes that the common thread that runs through codependency and food addiction is shame. Although for most people, shame is a temporary feeling, Lancer says that, “For addicts and codependents it hangs around, often beneath consciousness. You’re ashamed of who you are. You don’t believe you matter or are worthy of love, respect, success, or happiness.” Over time, this chronic sense of unrelenting shame caused by formative experiences accumulates and manifests in low self-esteem, people-pleasing and other maladaptive behaviors, and a profound inability to meet your own needs. “Shame creates many fears and anxieties that make relationships difficult, especially intimate ones.” Lancer explains:

For codependents, shame can lead to control, care-taking, and dysfunctional, nonassertive communication. […] You aren’t assertive when shame causes you to be afraid to speak your mind, take a position, or express who you are. […] Codependents are afraid to get close because they don’t believe they are worthy of love, or that once known, they’ll disappoint the other person.

At the same time, love and approval are what the codependent person craves, and because you have not learned how to nurture or perhaps even recognize your own needs, you are left in a constant state of struggle, unable to move forward in healthy ways. Instead, you turn to eating as a self-destructive means of filling the void and finding comfort. As your codependency and food addiction deepen, they may also serve to feed off of each other, creating triggers that heighten distress, anxiety, codependent behavior, and your addiction.